Chou na. Pay my Bill.

Been a while. Been preparing for London. Been practicing. Been having beans. Been ready. Been here. Bean there. Been Diggin Potatoes. Been hit by Jazz. Bean how you been? Been spending summer smoothly. Been busy though. Been blocked again. Been missing those talks. Been workin hard. Been alive. Been the same. Been better. Been made meat soup by this dude called Emperor. Been eating meat. Been guilty. Been still wanting to talk to you. Been wanting to talk to You too. Been walking alone. Been to a perfect session. Been routining. Been tuning life the way i smell; but i cant smell. Been havin a hard time. Been enjoying that time. Been good. Been strong? Been alright? Been wanting to talk to me now? Been spending summer or wasting it? Been wasting it or leaving it? Been leaving it or tramping over it? Been tramping over or Diggin? Bean confused? Been confused too cuz im talkin to You. Bean you too. Been kinda stuck.

Been waiting for the end of Summer though. Because everything calms down, plains away, everyones got routines then unlike now. Plus Winter will be here. I'll be workin, after this trip when everyones moving forward. Kinda stuck in one place yet i still move. Not in the way people say i should. Its a fun way to move. Because you cant be too serious. When that time comes, when everyones busy, i'll pretend to be busy. When Winter comes, i'll buy more clothes to play with Winter. When the mood comes again, this song'll be played

What is the meaning behind your (birth) names?
Submitted by turtlegod.

This was the original question that i suggested to the Quote of the Day thing. So it is my turn finally to go and submit a question, and i've heard from many others that many questions were touching upon pointlessness, so i thought, why not?

The meaning behind my birth name, i'll answer that one first. I have two names, one english, one chinese, because im chinese. My English name, i dont know the many behind it, although i heard it was a name of a dog, and tends to be used as an old english folk name for people, places or buildings (objects). So i wont go onto that. My chinese name, given from birth by my Dad, im sure my mom never gave me this name. My Family name is Lee, so in my Chinese name the word Lee 李 comes first. Lee means Plum, which was what wiki said, so im guessing Lee is a name of a tree, called a Plum tree. I know there is a hidden meaning behind that, as you can see too from the japanese term Sakura (Cherry Blossom); so there must be a secret. In chinese, after the family name is stated, the person with the given name will have commonly two extra words following this family name, which will be there unique symbolic representation of their name, and their character; however you do get people with only one word and not two. For me i have two. The first word is pronouced Pei (培). This is also shown as my first middle name in english. In chinese families, the middle name represents the generation of when the child was born, each differentiating from gurls and boys, so boys all have one word while gurls have a different word. This is for one generation of one family. When this generation has babies, the middle name changes for this new change. So in china we have this book, which each families keep record of all words/names used for all generations. Pei (培) means to Foster, to Nuture, to Cultivate, to Dig up. The Last word of my chinese name is Yung (勇), which means Brave, Courageous, Fierce, In chinese names, the last name will be commonly used for that person as a symbolisation of them, or in other words this word will be there common referral, like in english when someone is called by their name, in chinese the last word is that - this last chinese word is seen as my second middle name..

So  you can see, the meaning(s) behind Pei and Yung can be seen quite clearly. If taken from my parents side, im gussing they named me this for a reason, or there is a possibility that they just named me this for the sake of naming. But i was born with Heart disease and risked losing my life during an operation when i first arrived in this world, so maybe it was because of this i was named Pei Yung, in other words my Parent's aspiration for me was to foster courage and to live - though Pei (to nuture) could have different meanings from my Parent's point of view, i dont know whether they want me to foster anything else other than courage, i dunno if they want me to foster something they want, but they never told me once; same goes for Yung (courage), i dont know whether they named me this in hopes i dont give up on my own life, i dunno if they named me this so that i can be courageous for something else, they never told me once. If taken from my point of view, each word to me has boundless meanings:

Pei. Which means to Foster/Nuture. From when i was born up until now, i always had a feeling that most people who brought me up or seen me grow up sees me as a failure, a loser, a child who is too playful, a person who knows nothing, relies on people. I have evidence of that, either from my Parents, my relatives, and most people who i have ties with, excluding my friends. From this i can understand that maybe they do want me to foster my awareness for this world and my life. But to me, foster means to grow, and not to collect. And i was told by my roomate Fung that i am too naive, i am too unprotective of myself, then i said to him that i couldnt believe someone outside my family would say the same thing. He told me i would get eaten alive in this world, jus because i am unprotective, that i should be aware, i should fence my true self a few inches away from the world, that i should hide myself from other people, with something else. So in actual he and the ones who said that to me in the past really want me to nuture my protectiveness of this flashy, dangerous world. In actual, the world foster cannot live alone, as it is a verb, it could mean many things. To myself, it means to foster courage, foster qualities of a good man, foster wholesomeness, foster uniqueness. If expanding these four meanings, again i can see there are boundless things to talk about. But if i was to find a final definition of this word, Pei, then i would say: to foster what others cant foster. In other words, to grow how others cannot grow. To aspire a mind like this, and foster it, with qualities which will let the world know that i have purpose in this world. To not stay astray, follow what others follow. Because from beginning and to end, i found myself to be unique, whether from comments, praises, or self observation to the way i act, the way i treat people, how i think, etc. This world is the motivation, the force which makes my name unique, which symbolises why i differentiate from other people, through my judgement and understanding of myself. I live how i live, i grow how i grow, and i am always told, that i take things too easily, that im not serious enough about things, that i am slothful, that i care not of one thing. Things like that, which makes me be seen as a someone who cannot be seen as with a clear life, whether past, present or future. I have many who tell me they dont really know me, and i can see this going through my family too. Whether my past, present or future, i can see they cannot see who i am. Though i havent changed, they cannot see that, because they are too used to seeing things change, and not used to seeing things not change. From beginning to end, i live in my own Playful Samadhi. Samadhi is a Buddhist term, which means "state of meditation"/"experience". So in other words, i live in my own realm of playful meditation, in other words i live in my realm of Playfulness. Meditation has many forms, and not just sitting there with eyes shut means meditation. Meditation means "unmoving". To "halt". In other words, my mind is settled in Playfulness, thus i live without care, bear no grudge to the world. Others cannot see that, because i know my own life clearly than anybody in this world.

If alongside my second name, Yung (勇), then it is much clearer. Yung means courage. This world also has many hidden meanings. To be courageous against the world, to aspire courage when living, to never give up on my life because of the world, to give others courage through my courage, to lead, to affect others through how i have grown. However if i was to finalise this word through one definition, then i would use: to stay Dauntless - of how i live, how i treat the world, how i am treated, etc. This word is the physical appearance of my symbolicment of my personal trait, or the way i play my life. Though i live through Playfulness, in Playfulness, though i see this world as my very own playground (inspired by Tekkon Kinkreet), there are many others who try to judge me with their capacity while not knowing mines, try to slander due to them not being able to see through me. My family are beginning to be like that, and i can see more and more will be like that too. Though i live this world through playing, i must be reminded that i live this world through playing, through courage. I know my life better than anyone else in this world, i know how i want to live it, how i want to use it, how i want it to be used, to be seen, but i must be courageous in order to finish this road. I like to do card magic, and i wouldnt mind my sub life being affected by card magic. Why? Because it suits how i live. Though i live through Playfulness, i still see Unplayful people. In other words, i see people killing flies while i can tell them the way out, in other words, i see people too tight, too agitated, too unstable, too pitiful, too down right lost. So i pretend to be lost, so you wont feel lost. That is one way i share my playfulness, and one reason why i like travelling. Card Magic, i have heard from people over at Theory11 that people who perform magic have the ability to make others happy, through the moment of magic, through seeing those tiny actions and letting them able to again, smile that unhindered smile from their innocent side they covered up through growth, once this is found, this person is saved, they play the world and not world playing them. Samurai Sugar Slash has finished his job, more people to be saved. But doing this needs courage, one needs to be dauntless, as staying unhindered is never an easy task. Through other people's worlds my world is affected by my differentiation, other people's words affect my Playful Samadhi due to my carelessness. So through courage i carry on fostering my playfulness, grow how i grow, live how i live. So i have my aspirations - play with courage.

Above is the explaination to my birth name. Now onto my names.

I have a friend called J, whom i call J. And when he hit 18 i give him a name, other than his birth name. Entitled Dushin. Consisting of two words. Du (杜) which measn to stop, to halt, to prevent. And Shin (心) which should be spelt Xin but i used the japanese style, which means Heart, Mind, Soul. This name was given to him following the chinese tradition of name giving through adulthood (male 20, female 16), in modern times when one hits 18 they become adults. And i gave him this name, out of many reasons, one is my aspiration - which could be asking too much out of my authority, second is the way i pass down my Playful Samadhi to someone who i can see upholding with no doubt. What is the secret? Halting the mind is one way. Thus i name him Dushin. The first to be named by the one who likes to play.

I have given myself names too, other than my brith name which i cannot change. In Ancient China, people are given names, either by themselves or other people, like family, friends, etc, to represent their aspirations or other people's aspiration towards them, their personal trait or what other people see them as. This consists of a Word, then a Codename/Courtesy name. The word was traditionally the one being given which can only be used by oneself and their elders, while the Courtesy name was the one being named by many, either yourself or others, which is used by friends/other people. But me, i didnt get named by my friends or parents, so i wasnt given a Word.

So i gave myself a Word. Which is Jin. Originally i only made this name as my internet codename, but through time i come to like this name, and found purpose for it to be a symbol that represents me. Jin, inspired through the Tenchu character Jinnai, the name Jin is most commonly used in Japan, Kanji for it is 仁, which means Compassionate, humaneness, benevolence, kindness. I then though of making this word Jin into chinese, so i searched Mandarin pronouciations (called Pinyin), and found many. For example: 金 (Gold), 今 (Present/Today/Now), 近 (Near/Close to). I didnt really like those, as if i was to write Jin into chinese, then i couldnt see me not changing my name. So i though, why not twist it a bit, and use the word 淨 (which is pronoucned Jing, which means Pure, Clean, Only, Completely) - even though it was a misunderstanding, as i learnt my Madarin off listenin to Master Ching Kung, i thought it was prounouced Jin. I like this name, cuz it suits the way i live, and see the world. Jing (淨) is used alot in Buddhism, and most commonly through the symbolisation of the Lotus, as the lotus blossoms out of impurity, as it is grown from impurity. Meaning to be unattached and Pure. Which suits the way i live, how i see the world. I play how i play and only how i play, that can never change. The Word represents my aspiration, thus i strive to be unattached and live my life in my Playful Samadhi until my lungs get jammed. It also represents my trait: I care but i'm careless. Did you get the hidden meaning?

As well as the word, there is the Courtesy/Code name. It can consist up to four words, but i used two. Which was inspired from reading the lifestory of the Manager of the Singapore Buddhist Lodge Mr Lee Mu Yuen, who after accepting the Layman Precepts was given the Buddhist name Pusui. Pu means Universal. Sui means Water. In other words, from my judgement, to benifit the world universally like water. I though. "Eh!? Thats cool.". So i decided to use a name i was inspired by from watching Bleach, which is Shunsui (8th Captin of Goteijusan). Shun (順) means to accord, to obey, to follow. Sui (水) means water. Thus my new definition: to accord the with the world like water. But Bruce Lee said it much better than I, you know the sentence about the cup and water thing. This does not represent entirely my trait, But people call me old man because it it. However it does represent my aspiration, what i strive for and to be, how i want to live my life and the way i do it. In other words, i strive to accord with the world. Why do i need to accord with the world. Simple. Because if i dont, i wont be playing, in other words, if i dont then i would be like others trying to pursuit the happiness, when it doesnt need to be pursuied to begin with. Everything you need is here, jus pick up your hands, and jam. Also, i accord with the world knowing not many are like me, who play and like to play, so i accord. In other words, i use accordance as a way of tolerating, halting my mind, the deluded mind, the unhappy mind, the mind that craves outside of what it has, the mind that does not see this playfulness. I also i accord knowing most of the time, people i know do not play, thus i accord and forget, leave it be. Sui is an adjective, which further expounds on the term Accord. Water knows no enemies or friends, does not hate nor likes, does not have a definitate shape, does not have a definied path, is wild, can clean yet can mess, yields all, covers all, all can not leave the existence of water. Thus i strive to be like water, to be benifical to the world, through my playfulness, through my unattachments, through according with the world, to be the world's most reliable.

Thus, if i was to write this name out in Chinese, it would be 淨順水. Pronoucned: Jin Shunsui. Man vox you shoulda kept the orignal question.

I jus got back not long ago from a day out to see my friends, like most fridays, i tend to go see my friends, because i have all the time i need to see them, then go back to the resturant and eat, as well as going back home to do what i wanna do for the day, so Fridays for me is the best day of the week. Like for all other people. I would only spend around 4 hours to see my friends, ones at the newspaper shop and also J, but most of the times after the newspaper shop closes down for the day, i would spend maybe, around 2 hours extra with J, maybe talk about life, maybe let him tell me his family businesses, and all those other stuff. So i would be out the most, 8 hours on a friday. The rest would be at home, Jinnin'. Mani over at the newspaper shop (one of the owners) has been into the anime Bleach, and i tell you, that Bleach boxset i bought from ebay was in good quality, only thing was the stupid ass subtitles were so crap, it wasnt believable. I shoulda just dloaded it from dattebayo.com instead, I might after episode 163, jus for the sake of letting them watch it. Then burn it to dvd. For now, they jus gotta stick to over 100 eps of crap subtitles. Effries. I feel sorry for an anime lover like J. He's missing crap loads of stuff on subtitles alone. Mani's gotten through some of the best animes i can offer. Bebop. Champloo. Gungrave. Now Bleach. But 100 eps of crap subtitling, i cant bear to watch them watch that. Zannen da.

After spending some time at the newspaper shop, i decided i will be goin down there again tomoz, for another day of Bleach, because it's saturday. Anyhoo, we got out from the newspaper shop, J and i, so we headed towards town, like we always. Recently the weather has been hot, and it wasnt just me that couldnt get to sleep for the past few days, but the two bros at the newspaper shop and ther friends couldnt sleep either, so the UK has been getting hot, summer this year feels different, maybe global warming is kicking in finally. J is hired to do the paper-round for the period of two weeks to start with, then the bros will see how it goes, then maybe let him stay on it for the summer, or something - only if J does a good job, but seeing J now, he's doin a good job, so i dont think theres any problems now. Besides, the dude gets to save up his money; Speaking of money, he has for the first time planned a journey of wandering, upon his own decision, this time to meet somebody he has known for two years and more, nearly three, to see her, to confess, to do all that stuff, after three years, like how i went to see her that day, and so on. So we'll be heading down London together, this journey has been planned formost to be one serious yet laid back journey, most of the events will be based for J around J, i dont have any personal business in London that needs sorting out, excluding the visit im going to make to see my relatives; which in actual is not a visit anyhow, we plan to stay there for a few days,me and J, so J is in fine in terms of living. He jus needs to "plan this carefully" like he says, "One wrong move and im fcked;".

*Listens to next door neighbour shouting at her daughter telling her "If you FUCKING talk to me like that again i knock you out. You hear what i said?"* If my parents talk to me like that i tell em its go time.

Anyhow, this has been seriously planned out, each time we see each other we speak of the details of what's going to happen and all, i cant wait til we get there, to see what reaction J gets when he sees that gurl, named Sariah. I only saw J blush once in his life, and he's halfcaste, "i only seen a black man blush once my life", thought it wasnt possible. He cant wait, i cant wait. He's been telling me a lot of stuff about this gurl recently, much more than compared to before, so i can tell this dude is excite. Besides that, Greentop (Jum) and Samurai Sugar Slash will be hitting the streets with our cards again, so recently both of us has been pracitcing. Speaking of practicing, he wants to teach me some chords on his guitar. I accept your challenge.

So the weather today was hotter, much hotter than yesterday and the days before, i couldnt get to sleep. I exce[ted myself to be real tired from all that sleeelessness, but i was alright, like yesteray when i worked for 10 hours, i was still alive and well. The weather was hot without a doubt, only during the afternoon, when it hit the evenining, when we heaed for town after the newspaper shop closed down, the weather, atmosphere, mood, feel were all gearing itself to the day's end.After ome time of walking, we sat down, took out our cards and did a little investigation, then carried on walking. Card ideas were shared. At first, i couldnt help but notice that today the sky was wide and blue, that the louds formed a unreal uniqueness, that the clouds mixed together, intersect forming a mixure of lines, of shades, of colors from different parts of where the sun shined onto these soft white clouds, as well as being able to see the lone composures away from these intersecting clouds, all with different shapes and sizes, different colors, different mood. Like said before, it was a nice cool evening, sky was wide and it was blue, filled with white clouds, adding a few layers of sunset at different angles, different vibrants, different colors. Man it was the best photo that could be taken, comparable to this, let me show you:

http://billyunderscorebwa.deviantart.com/art/Wanna-Play-85516193

I sighed that i didnt have that Panasonic Lumix Digicam in my arterillery. I swear. But it was all cool, the hotness soon turned into warmth, and my skin told me that today, not only the sky is nice to look at, but it felt good too. So we walked, and walked, soon we came to the Central Library/German Market area, by this big ass fountains build alongside steps which lead downwards to the town Center, to Bullring and those fancy ass districts etc etc. But we jus stayed by the fountain, we sat there to enjoy some cool breeze. While we were getting there, i noticed that this friday is very much different than any other fridays i have experienced in my life. other fridays seemed tiring, seemed....crap, not much excitement, not much feel, jus another day gone, jus another day where i dont gotta work, nothing much. But today, this friday, the mood was unique. I felt it undoubtfully. People were not rushing around, there were not much big groups, not much people around, not much noise, everything was tranquail, the pace was steady, the world below effortlessly balanced/blended with the world above. It not only was a heavenly scene, that the vibrant of colors were unsurpassed, but the feel, the mood was inconceivably perfect. Everything jus fitted right into place, that i found my mind to fit right into place too, slowly turning from that tired self to something else. By the time we got to the fountain place, we heard somebody playing Jazz on their Saxephone (or however the hell you spell it), and man it reminded me of Episode one of Cowboy Bebop - Astriod Blues. The starting tune to this episode was played on a harmonica, slowly introducing the laid back feel to the anime and it's character, then afterwards getting onto the episode, introducing the reality of life, how Blue it can get, how dreams can only worth what they are and nothing over, finally ending the episode with the same tune, with the words "See you Space Cowboy.". Man Jyx. If you have time you must watch that anime. Me and J were talkin about music, then we got onto Jazz, and i told him, its not Jazz that i like listening to most, but its a genre called Bebop, which spawns off Jazz. Like it's son. So Jazz was played, the atmosphere was laid back, scene heavenly painted, mood filled with content, breeze being warm. Undoubtfully i knew, that today, was one hundred percent Perfect. That this session of heading out to see my friends, was undoubtfully the Perfect Session.

So we sat down, enjoying the Session, and soon we started talkin, about many, many topics. And J pointed out something, that people are too caught up in wanting things, that they do not see that everything is right here in the present moment, that the this moment, when seen, when grasped, is the most contentious moment one can feel. "Everything is right here.". With a phrase like that on a day like this, it jus adds to the adornments of this day. I could feel myself dwellig in this contentness, and J was right, he spoke the words outta my heart. I feel comfortable, because in most situations, i am content. And i swear, i coulda slept through this day, while sitting there on the fountain side. The Jazz didnt last long as soon he went outta tune, then stopped playing. Oh well. After a long while of enjoying this unexpressable day, we decided to head somewhere so that J could get some food, time was around 8 ish. In actual, i really decided to head home, but im glad i didnt, cuz i woulda missed this Perfect day. And in actual now that i think back, im glad i didnt have that camera. Like i says, the most beautifulest photo is one caught in memory. So we headed down those steps and found most shops which sold sandwiches, baguettes and such were closed, only resturants were opened. So i says to J, "Wanna head over to see my Sis? She works at the Italian resturant close by." So J agrees and so we arrive at the place not far from the fountain and it's steps. So I's walk in asking for Kathy, luckily shes there. At first we only decided to come in to say ni hao. But out of our expectations we were invited/treated to a free italian meal. Nearly full course. And man, we didnt have to pay for it. We had starters, some unique garlic bread rolls, orange juice, and a dish each of our selected main meal, of pasta - he had this spagetti and balls, which was a vegetarian dish, and i chose to have sweet and spicy italian duck pasta. Yeah. I had duck. I couldnt find any other italian dish on the pasta side which was vegetarian, which would have filled my hunger, because i was hungry, and i didnt want to have the same dish as J did, that would be arkward.

It was unexpected, we were treated to a nice dinner, in a fine italian cusine at Bella Italia. Man, this was my second time eating there. The first time was on my moms bday, which i got embarrassed for being there due to those dudes comming down with cake and candles singing a happy bday song for Uleh (my mom). The atmosphere within the place was nice too, decorations, the food, the service, the cheese, everything, was nice. Cept we got put on a table which had one of those candles for romantical dinner. That was full time gay. Due to this suprise being asked whether i wanted dinner, and asking agian whether she is treating us, the day was undoubtfully crowned the most Perfect of all days. And i shall remember this day. 25th of July, Friday, 2008. Jin had his first and most perfect Perfect Session of all Perfect Sessions. We finished our dinner, and sat to rest up. We had nothing to do so I joked around.

"Yo imagine someone comming out from the toilet and saying to his friend "Yo that was Mayhem!". He bust out laughing. Then i says a variation:

"Nah, nah, imagine someone comming outta toilet and telling his colleagues: "Yo the toilet is blocked." The colleague would ask why, he would say "cuz i unleashed."". He bust out laughing his teeth. So we sat there, and enjoyed a few moments of cuisine, afterwards, we left, bidding farewell to Sis, and headed for the fountain again to make our ways home. Time was around 9 ish something PM. Getting late. Along the way we heard the same Jazz music, so we went to check out for a moment we was playing. The mood, scenery, atmosphere we all the same, only difference is that it was darker. So we stationed for a while listening to the dude play, and i tell you, if we had more time, we woulda been able to see the second half of this Perfect day, the nightlife. But he had to make way home, so it was best if we jus went, so we did. After heading inside the cut-through of fancy dining places, we departed.

The day seemed over, until i was stopped by some christian dudes giving me pamphlets of their tribe, the Jesus Army. And that sorta stuff. You know the drill. So i played along. Leaking out some of my contentness i have felt during this day, they were astounded. Of course you were astounded, you talkin to Jin. People have been asking me my name recently, and I have been telling them my name is Jin. And it sounds good, people calling me Jin. Ima make that carry on. So the situation was kinda like this:

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=200

After that, i seriously made my way home. Getting past Broad Street, a long ass street filled with clubs, bars, pubs, pizza places, resturants, etc, etc. Night was dark, lights were bright. It was a scene of modernisation. Unbeatable this day was. I was supposed to get to the shop, but this day woulda been ruined if i did. Night lights were like a neon painting, i cannot explain how beautiful this day has been. Whether day, whether night.

Damn. Tadaima.

I am a farmer who raise ducks and cows. The animals have a total of 9 heads and 26 feet. How many ducks and cows do I have?
Submitted by The BlueTie.

Can i jus say something? Wont you be scared to see your animals having 9 heads and 26 feet? How do you find animals like that? You know when you take milk from this animal, how many utters does it have? Does it make eggs too? Is it at the same time? When it gets diarria or however the hell you spell it, does it flood the room wid milk and eggs? Like Maltesers? And one more thing, when its flooding the room with Maltesers, what noise does it make?

Reblogging the half of my entry which i wanted to post up, but i think frickin ass David is dloadin, so the net is fucked up. I feel like swearing again. Lets review. Went London. Was crap. Zannen da. Tried smoking. Was crap. Zannen da. Spent a lot on journey, didnt get enough sleep, Regent Street to Bond Street has a Gungrave feel to it. I like Bunji's shades. Jus recieved package from ebay, has the stupid subtitles. Couldnt even try to enjoy my second smoke cuz some idiot walked up wanting to buy me chinese even though im chinese, telling me how cute russians are. Went to see Donna, like i says it was a nice day. And one more thing i forgot to mention. Tadaima. And it feels like Kinkreet again. You should watch it some day.

*Entry checkpoint*

So she was one step ahead of me when i said i'll be heading over to her house. She was already in town, when i planned to leave. I asked her whether i shoud meet her somewhere, she says i could meet her at the bank or head home without her. So basically shes telling me to meet her at the bank. I enter the bank, i see no familiar face. So i jus stood there, doing nothing. Until i did see a familiar face, and man i wondered, how the hell did she enter that queue so quick, when i didnt even see her. But when i did see her, i shat my pants. She dyed her hair yellowish white, makes her look more anime, more mature. She was wearing all white except for the shoes, i was wearing all black except for my shoes.

So i see her, and man i thought she was angry to see me, because of that expression she had on her face. And she made me think, maybe she did read those seven entries i wrote, but i think too much. Like she says. And i tell you, i dont know how she does it, but her eyes introduce me to waves of questions.

Neighbour jus screamed. I think he had a nightmare. Lol?

I held my poop in and asked her whats up with the expression, she said she was tired. I can understand man, i aint been sleeping well too. We walked around, and it was a nice day. I didnt tell her why it was nice. But i'll say it here. I got to stay with something beautiful after being in frickin London for 3 days. Even though Regent Street to Bond Street had a Gungrave feel to it. London sure has that London feel. I kinda wanted to stay there when i was on the coach. Jus for the feel. Gungrave was a alright anime. I like Bunji's shades. So basically Londons crap. I spent a lot on that journey. Needa save up.

So we walked around, just for the sake of that good weather, and then we took the bus home. We didnt talk much at first, maybe she was bored i thought. But what can you do, if you respect another's privacy to the core. Maybe thats why i dont talk to people much. And you cant say, people dont want privacy. So you must be aware of that. She was indeed tired. I felt guilty. After getting off the bus, heading over to tescos, the talking started, maybe snorelax woke up. So if thats the case then more walking should be done, so thats what we did. And damn, the area she lives in, its one damn nice area, and i tell you without hesitation, PB is the place i like to spend my time at, better than sitting at the Library looking at people. I got to skim rocks across the medium sized lake thing. And man, that area was nice. But it was too hot, and her medication was kicking in; i thought she was gonna collapse when she was walking. She smiled. Said she was okay.

I tell you. I thought that gurl i met back when the badminton championship took place had a pretty smile. This woman's smile is more powerful than a Bankai. I just saw her change in those moments. Like i says, its the eyes. Its the eyes. I have no regrets at all if i was to die after stopping this sentence.

However, i refuse. I aint finished yet. I got to go to that bigass hill top thing like i've been wanting the times i went down, after the first time being there, but that first time was cold and soggy. This time, Summer brings pretty colors, and i tell you, it was a nice day. We sat down, and it was a perfect scenery for taking pictures. We sat for a while until we decided to head back to her house, i did tell her to go back, even though she didnt really want to. It felt that way. And when conversing with people, theres a pattern. You gotta wait for things to heat up, then it all starts. So the first moments are always stupid, things are loading man watchu expect.

We talked. About marriage. Babies. Having Babies. She said she wants one child, doesnt mind if it was a boy or gurl. I says to her. A boy would be nice. Because then i can play some Guild Wars with him, because gurls dont really game.
 
After heading home, her lil Sis greeted me, and man i should buy her a present one day. Because she always gives me that welcoming greeting, whether food, whether....whether anything. Lil kiddo's poilte. A 100% good sister and a half. My lil sis ought to be ashamed of herself. If i find a good present, i promise i'll buy it to show my graditude, if i dont have the guts to tell her "Yo Kid. Its hard to explain. But Donna sucks at making your house door easy to step in.". She told me her Dad doesnt really know me, her Mom still thinks im called "Adam" after frickin lying to her the first time i saw her. And i tell you, i feel damn guilty still until this day. Never found the chance to apologise. I really wanna do that. To both of them.

So we spent around 4 hours in that house, and i enjoyed my day. Nice weather, no nagging, no getting bored, just there listening to the sounds in their house, listening to them speak, watching her play games, listening to her voice. Yo Gambit. You dont understand.

She did say people talk to much. But i cannot tell a lie.

And if i had the time, if i didnt have to report back home, if i didnt have to work, if i didnt need to pretend to save up like i need my money, i woulda begged to stay at their house again. Speaking of their house, lil Roy has changed. I dont know why but he didnt talk to me at all this time, i knocked on his room door and man you shoulda seen that sasuke look in his eyes. So i call him Sasuke from now on. But i want jo0 to know. I only sat in your room jus cuz i wanted to hear you talk. Like my personal radio. Hope you understand. And then her old Boss from her previous previous workplace came over, and hell. He remembers me, something about the face, asking me what i was doing at a gurls house, wasnt a decent person to talk to. He called me Mojo man.

I didnt invite myself to their Dinner again, i didnt have the heart to eat again with them dudes, after being served 4 meals when i havent served them even once. So i jus sat there, passing my time like an old man. It was undoubtfully enjoyable. She wasnt mad at me, she didnt ignore me, she was natural, she didnt have toilet paper, she assured Jin she was still the same Donna i miss in real life. But man, why do you speak so differently on msn. Like you're a different person. I get confused. Its hard to find the courage to tell you im rolling down PB, in actual i have nothing to do there, besides sitting on that Hilltop and seeing you. But when you talk like im getting flammed, i get scared. In actual. I always feel like going down. Always.

She gave me Cowboy Bebop back. If trickster wasnt such a pinkish game, maybe i'd play it without letting nobody know. But i refuse. Even though it has good graphics. I suggest she plays Guild Wars. For her own sake. And the sake of the world.

Four hours wasnt enough, if i didnt have to go home i woulda stayed. But departures always happen, sooner. Or Later. I dont like planning ahead, because things will definately come to an end then, only being spontaneous, "flexible" will there be no end. I see that happening to the world. The world and its people would be a good place to live with if it was like that. To the least, i live like that. I greeted adios to Elaine. Greeted adios to sasuke. I was lucky i didnt get Goukakyuu no Justu-ed by the dude. She walked me to the Bus stop again, i had around 10 mins. In actual the bus was late. So i had 20 plus mins or so. And i tell you, departures are the bestest of all journeys while being the worst. All the things you wanna do, wanna say, wanna hear, wanna see, all in one. At one time.

She walked me to the stop, we conversed while walking there and man, i couldnt help buy sigh at this day. Because it was too perfect. Perfect whether, perfect area to slow walk, skim rocks, look at the medium sized lake thing. And i tell you, the area she lives in is a damn nice area. If only i had more time there. I woulda taken Ah Lik to see her. He doesnt bite at all. She asked me why i sighed for, because i sighed a lot on that day. Sighing is an expression. Used in many ways. One is when you're dissapointed. Two is when you cant be asked with life. Three is when you're impatient. Four is when you're tired. Five is when you're happy. Six is when you're relieved. Seven is when you're unconcerned. Eight is because no other words could express the way you felt. Me. It was reason number Eight. I couldnt explain the enjoyment i had from seeing her this day, plus the weather was nice. And i was back from frickin ass London. London was crap man. We got to the bus stop, and from then we just waited for the bus, during that time, it was those best moments out of them all. And this one bus stop brings back many memories, from the first time i departed, the night on the 24th, the day i came alone and went back alone, until now. This part was the bestest. Because i got to see properly, her playful side of herself. And im sure she wasnt pretending, nobody pretends to be playful, to be natural, all childish. I dont like the world serene. I dont even know if it means what i think it means, but if im correct, it means what i think it means. So i sat there just listening to her talk, watching her move around, jump around, pretend to karate dance, pretend to be taller than me. She was playful man, i dont know how she does it, but she makes me feel all warm inside, and i couldnt take my eye off her smile this time, man she had one pretty ass smile. Im telling ya. I wouldnt wanna see somebody like her cry. Cuz thats fucked up.

She asked me, how comes i dont move around a lot, how comes i stay in one spot and not move. She moves around a lot. So i's tell her. Only reason why you move around is because she gets bored too too easily, asking for too much. If you still your mind, halt your mind, you wont have to move that often, in actual you wont find yourself moving around, exhausting yourself. If the mind is still, the body is free from exhaustion. I tell this concept of "I dont get bored easily, thats why i dont move around often." You know what her reply was!? "Thats boring.". She cant be saved from disaster man. But in actual, its a good contrast. If two people were to play around, somebody will get hurt. Most of the times i dont like to move around, even when i speak, even when i listen to somebody, i stablize my body so that its comfortable. If words are used incorrectly, they will be seen as bribing, or even disrespecting, even if you didnt mean any of those. So normally when people speak to me, i tilt my head down just a bit, and stop moving to focus my ears. But i was told off by my friend's mom, saying i aint standing straight. Then my mom joined in saying i dont listen to her at all. In actual. Body language is a philosphic study.

The only reason i didnt move around this time was because i wanted to remember every moment of her being playful. It was like a miracle man. You should have been there to see it. You dont understand the gratitude i couldnt express through my smiles. I held out my right, she held out her right. And damn. She has small soft hands. I could tell she wasnt pretending. The tone had changed from the morning's tired, cant be asked expression, to a playful, unconcerned, unsurpassable, adornful realm of her inner side. I wonder sometimes. Whether she gets dissapointed, gets bored of seeing me not joining her in her realm of playfulness, i havent lost the heart to be playful, but she does it best, so i shouldnt join and ruin her realm. Besides, she looked really cute then. I didnt want to miss a thing. And i wondered sometimes. Am i the only person that gets to see that? Would be the luckiest man.

Then the bus came, she was already all curled up on that small bar seat of the bus stop, waving me goodbai. As soon as the bus came, she stopped talking, her expression changed. I saw it change. I saw it man. I saw it. Body language is a legendary art. The motion of her hand expressed her heart out. Understand that the heart (or mind) leaks out no matter how you hide it. I saw it. I couldnt say a word either. That 1% nearly acted out of its own accord, nearly told her to get up from the seat to recieve a great big hug. 99% always wins though. Because if i did do that, next time i know it would be arkward. But in fact that 1% is powerful. I just tapped her softly on her head three times, and left. Three is my favourate number. So i headed for the bus, and saw her lookin at me, that 1% turned around and headed back for her, telling her Jin's staying, she smiled, and pushed me away. I saw that smile man. It was a command. "Go home". I promise.

Her smile makes me smile. Like i says. One good day. Yeah. Tadaima. I hate Bham. Cuz i dont get to see her. Thats fucked up man. She "said" i can come down again. Meaning she said i could. Still miss you.

Zannen da.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xf5QHb14SQ&feature=related

I promised you that i'd let you know more about myself, infact i promised you a lot of things. Maybe you've forgotten, maybe it annoys you to be always given riddles. I wasnt giving you any riddles at all, just parts of the truth i want to tell you. I dont know if you're still reading, but i have been writing up until now. And its been three days since i started writing. Time is now 15:23 PM. Its Monday today.

Its hard to explain Donna. Theres so many things i still wanna tell you, but its been Six long entries already, Maybe you've given up half way, actually maybe you've given up the first moment you saw there was a fck load of text to read. I know you said you dont like reading, i cant stop you from not reading, but it would be nice, if you had spend some time reading past six entries. Because i've never talked about myself for so long, and also because im writing all this up just to letchu know that things are hard to explain. Maybe you've gotten sick of reading, gotten sick of reading about myself, reading all those stuff that i wrote, maybe you've found somebody afterall, and maybe i was a few steps late again; so inactual maybe you didnt really need to know all of this in the first place. Maybe i was just one of those toys in the attic, maybe i got left in the refridgerator too long, maybe i've gone outta date, maybe trying to talk to you, getting to know you every single day was not the proper way to do things, maybe trying wasnt even the subject. Its hard to explain.

I hope my friend is preparing himself for what he needs to say man, because im goin to tell him after i finish writing these entry sagas that its fckin hard. Ima tell him to write up some sort of rough guide to make sure he knows what he's saying, because man, its fckin hard to explain. I dont know if i made sense during the past Six entries, i dont think back to the entries, but the entry im typing now makes sense to me. I dont see why not. Part 7 already, man.

Do you really have bad memory? Have you really forgotten what i look like? I havent forgotten what you look like, infact, i still know what your voice sounds like, still know those two eyeballs you have, i still know your face, still know your structure. I remember every single thing, because i have been watching closely. Im not a pervert. Just that you're the first gurl i've spent most of my life with. I make it sound like i've known you for years man. But i have. So it works.

Did i ever once tell you, that you have a sweet voice also? That when you speak cantonese you sound cute? That when you speak english i get scared? That when you try to express yourself with cantonese i smile because maybe you cant express yourself properly, or that you're trying your hardest to speak in chinese? That when you speak english, you sound too mature, that maybe its because you can express yourself more clearly, more accurately, more skillfully than you normally do? DId i ever once tell you i dont understand big words?

How can you not like krispy kreme donuts man geez.

My Dad called not long ago, saying one of the new chefs said he has to quit his job cuz he's wife got afriad he might hook up with some of the gurls that work there at the shop. Thats fucked up man. I would be his "Landlord too". Teh lord man.

Hellsing is a good anime. And Hellsing Ultimate too. Only four eps out though.

You could be wondering why spend time writing up Seven entries, maybe you think it's bullshit. But i actually planned to tell you, a long, long, long time ago, but not properly. I just didnt know when the time was right. I really wanted to tell you before, that i [entrmshywrdffs] you. I really did. I really did when we had that long convo, when you shared some parts of yourself with me, when i was a few steps late from proclaiming my justice. I had been accused too many times man. I wanted to tell you that day before Xmas i stayed over that i hate missing you after all those times. I wanted to put my arm around you when we were sitting next to each other watching DNAngel, i wanted to tell you that anime made me sick because Daisuke is getting all mushy for no reason, and that the opening them of that anime is fcking gay. Lemme show you a proper anime opening. Check it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6zDfxZ4NcE

Hell yeah. "Dood. I rock.". Did you ever watch Medabots? I did. I also wanted to tell you when you said you felt like sleeping that day i come over, that i wanna sit in your room in silence and listen to you sleep. Because i wanted to ask you, whether you would let me stay in your room. I promised i wouldnt bother you at all, i just didnt want to leave. But i couldnt because you had your covers over your head, and it was your room, your house afterall. So i just left. I wanted to tell you all those things but i didnt, because i was scared that if i did, then something would happen. To tell you the truth, i was scared you wouldnt talk to me anymore. I expect that from a kiddo. But im serious, i was afraid you wouldnt wanna talk to me anymore. Because it would leak out my horse tail, so i just kept it all until now.

And i tell you, it feels like lifting off 5 tanks from my chest. But its still hard to explain. I hope you can understand. I still have the first xmas present you gave me, which was a lite titanium ring, from HS Samuels. Its there chinging on the wall.

Maybe you was on to what i trying to do the very first moment i started talking to you, or that maybe you clicked on as to why this one boy kept on comming down, from another city, which costs a lot of money, and time, to see...you? Did you ever think that? To tell you the truth, i thought i was doing a good job, because you never mentioned it, and i never mentioned it. And your relatives never mentioned it...so...i did good basically.

Maybe you've found somebody else you liked, maybe i was just going in my own circles, chasing my own tail while during the chasing i saw something else which i wanted to chase, but i got dizzy, didnt see you were always ahead of me afterall. I stopped chasing my tail. Im still a runaway, i still wanna runaway, but i cant for now. Maybe you have somebody else you wanna look for. If you have a dream, you gotta protect it. If you have somebody, you gotta keep it, dont change, because you would be foolish. If you [mshywrdplx] somebody, then you [mshywrdagnthx] them the rest of your life, with the whole of your life, knowing that you are willing to give up all you can give up, even your boxers, your socks, your toothpaste for that person. Of course, giving those things up wouldnt hassle me one bit. I plan to stabalise my love for one women for the rest of my life.

I always hated departures. Never once liked seeing people leave. Turning my back against you, i didnt want to go. Not once at all man, i dont know if i'll ever get a chance for me to see you again, now that i have played the killer move. Has the game been decided yet? Do you still want to talk to me, after reading all that i wrote? Have you read any at all silly woman? I cant forget that i told you that i love you. I cant pretend i never said it, so for one last time. Let me break it down to you, so wax your ears and listen up close otherwise you'll be crying when you're at old age.

Do you hear that? Its my washing machine spinning my clothes around. Its the second time i washed my own clothes on my own. I washed my clothes four times without knowing how to get the machine to put water in it for a spin, after the fourth time i learnt how to do it. Im good eh?

I love you man. Thats all im tryna put across to you. Oh and i miss you too. Oh and i miss you a lot too. And...i wanna buy you donuts for you. Spend time with you drinking coffee like i envy others doing, even though i dont like coffee. Wanna buy you icecream. And candy floss too. And make you brush my teeth. I wanna brush your teeth too. I wanna show you my dogs. Want my dogs to know you. Wanna take you for a bike ride. I wanna play Metal Gear Solid 4 with you. And i want you to be there cheering for me when i go and play Devil May Cry 4, because i was never good at the DMC game series. I wanna spend chinese new year on Guild Wars with you like once spent it with the online community when i was gaming. I wanna heal you as a Monk. Because my monk skills pwn ass. I wanna revive you from a mile away with the ressuraction skill. I wanna spam my Monk's mana to keep your life up on the battlefield. Oh and i wanna give you some green items i collected too. I wanna show you my elite skill stoo which i got from monsters. And i wanna show you my l337 also.

I wanna show you a lot of things. I cant show you my heart, i cant find it. Not inside, not outside, not on the left, not on the right. Not within words, within taste, odor, sound, touch. But im trying. Its hard to explain.

I wanna tell you that out of all those names i have been called, given, labeled, created, used; Jinnycakes was the one that made me feel all warm inside. The first time i saw myself being called that, man you dunno how hard i shat myself in tears. I have never heard anybody accept Tina and Jum call me Jin in real life, not even you. You never call me by my name. You jus. Call me. Speaking about calling, the night you wanted to call me, i only rejected because i was scared i couldnt say anything to you, that maybe afterwards you wont talk to me for the night. So i said nah. Jus to keep the moment from being lost.

I hate departures. Its Monday. Will you still be talking to me?

I wanna say a lot of words to you. Whether Winter, Spring, Summer, Autumn; whether Xmas, whether on your birthday, my birthday, somebody else's birthday. Whether i see you, whether i dont see you. Whether valentines, whether mothers day, fathers day, chinese new years, whether boxing day, whether September. Whether January. I have a lot of words to say to you. Its time to go. Seven entries already. Im not bored. But, you did say you didnt like reading. That i have a huge blog. Donna, you've stumbled upon Jinai's bathroom, i never wanted you to leave one bit. Wish you have read all this. Wish you carry on checking around. Whether for fun, whether you want to make fun of me, whether you wanna show your friends, whether you wanna come back and talk to me again. Whether the world harms you, slanders you, laughs at you, lies to you, betrays you, forgets you, talks to you, calls for you; know that Jin is here all along. Thats why you always see me online.

Just in case you wanted to talk to me. I was alert. Hiding in a box. Like Metal Gear Solid.

But out of all the words i wanna say to you. I have three holy words i found, which was perfect, indiscussably perfect, foolishly stupid, yet round, and well made. Just the size, just the amount, just the weight perfect for this one situation. Three grand words. Disgustingly priceless. Three words used over, and over again. Year after year. Without getting old, without getting boring, without ever dying. Leaving the boundaries of the world of opposites in which we live in. Leaving the world without logos. Toys in the attic are too old, far too old for this. No sound, no letter combination can surpass these three words. Praises for these three can never end, kalpa after kalpa i can go on forever. But i must letchu know. Three words:

Chou na uleh.

Before i finish. Donna. Its still me. The loser who wrote all this. My email is jinai underscore three at hotmail dot com. If you dont ever want to talk to me again, dont feel like saying a word to me again. Then take that email, delete it, never speak of it again. If its the opposite. Then.

Then...i dunno wats nex sorry outta ideas yo. But hey. I love you man. Can i give you a song before you press X and go? It sounds good during Winter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lqqsT6gzfM

Its been nice talkin to you. Been nice trying to share things with you. Been worth the while spending my days talkin to you even if it means missing my dinner. Been nice wakin up to your calls. Been nice spending money to see you. Been nice losing that paper star. Been nice eating that jacket potatoe. Been nice eating your hand chopped sour pear your mom grew outside the garden. Been nice knowing that you rather speak to me than some other people on your msn, at least i acheived something after three years, even if it was little and unimportant. I'll drop off the present for your parents once i come back from London. If not the 4th then the 5th. I'll letchu know.

Chou na.

[END]

So we would head there jus to enjoy that crowded, happy atmosphere, because its Friday, and normally on Friday, its like a happy hour night as people celebrate the end of the week. And the German Market would be a place to go to, especially in the Winter. There would be Stands that sold beer, lager, German candy, German sasuages (man getting hungry typing all this food up), German gifts and stuff. There would also be a big place where German dudes would cook up lamb, German styled, on this grill thingy i dont know watchu call it, but you kinda see the vikings do it if you do some research on it. Or better yet, imagine italian chefs making some good shit outta raw meat with skill. It was like that. A German BBQ. So everybody would jus stand their and drool, speakin the German language which i couldnt actually understooding - even though i did pass my German GCSE with a B grade overall. But i kinda got the gist, i bet they were sayin something savagely brutal like "Lets have some!". Yo man, we were always broke then. All we could do was jus stand there, and laugh at each other for not having any money. Was for a little moment though. But it was all good. Then there was the lager stand, and man we jus stood in the middle of the crowd of drinkers, all cheering, all laughing. The laughter came to us, and then we joined. But it didnt change the fact that we were still broke. Then came the candy stores. Those fckers had the prices up so high we still didnt have enough, even though we saved up the bus fair to get to town by walking (which is an hours walk from the Newspaper Shop). But it was Winter man, we didnt care. As long as we could go there, then it was worth the walk in the cold.

The atmosphere was nice, actually it had always been nice, but it was nicer once you joined it. I think the reason we both went there was to get away from our personal problems in our life. He had family problems, finances, family arguements and stuff; and i also had mines, most of which were family arguments. However, i think the real reason was to get away from missing somebody, because he had somebody to miss, i had somebody to miss. And its been years since he missed her, and still going. He tells me at times, i still dont know the suitable way to answer him, because im the same too. And so we used to head to the German Market part of town jus to look at people enjoy what we cant enjoy. I always envied those people who got to meet up with their crowd of peoples. Inevitably, eventually, we would somehow talk about the person we both missed. He would talk about Sariah, i would talk about Donna. Then we would share. Because most of which he only tells me, most of which i only tell him; like we once shared those times during the first Summer i walked out the door, and when i first got to see you. And we both sighed, we both wanted to take our dearest to the German Market to walk around. We both wanted to take our dearest to see those street lights, enjoy those laugher, see those smiles.

But we would never have long to stay, he had to go home, i did too. It was nice though. An hour each Friday. I missed those times too. Something happened to the whole German Market though, it got taken down, now its not here anymore. I think its been gone for a year and a half. Maybe two. Time flies, now that you think of it. And what have we gained from hoping all those times. Not half of what we wanted in the end.

So i turned left. The streets were almost empty, just a few walking around like idiots. I checked the film times outside Odeon Cinema, they had the Hulk. The new one. But soon i got bored of walking around that area, it doesnt really give me any good feelings other than "This part is shit yo.". So i headed towards that downward path leading towards Bham News Street train station. Passing the Bull. And i couldnt help but notice that New Street Station looked frickin futuristic from far. I never noticed that before. New Street Station always looked cool, whether if its on the inside or out, both has a different feel to it. I remember seeing you joining the crowd of people passing through that gate. That was it though. Never saw you again. You know, if New Street jus had some benches, it would look like the Euston Station, which would remind me the blog entry saga i wrote on that time entitled "One Day Three Stories.". But the station was almost as empty as my toilet. So i stood outside the entrance of the station, seeing as though it was a good night afterall. I checked the time then, it was around 23:24 PM. Unknowingly i had been taking a stroll for more than 20 mins. So i stood outside, and guess what i saw?

Two babie kids chasing each other. I suspect they were around 5 years old or something. Two white babies playing around, one running in circles and laughing in joy while holding some luggage, while the other baby kid followed. They were white, and boys too. And man, both of them were laughing, and i couldnt help but to laugh too, but i couldnt out loud, there were other people around there too, but i couldnt hold it in. They were cute though. But it didnt change the fact that one ended up on the floor crying. Like all babies tend to end up on the floor sooner or later. And i wondered for a while, what makes babies who they are? Is it because they dont need to know the world? Is it because they already have enough? I see babies no different than old people. I dont mean babies as the ones that are newly shat out, but the lil dudes that can walk and laugh. What do they have which i cant compare to? Its a good question to ponder.

Marrage (wonder if i spelt it right). I wonder, why people get married. Hows about you Donna, you ever though bout getting married to somebody? I once did too. And i said to myself, if i had a kid, the first present i would give to them would be a NDS, i originally planned on a PSP but, PSP dont got much variety as DS's do. For example. Pokemon. Which reminds me. Check this:

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=260

Anyway. I plan to name my child Jinai. If i do have a child in the future. Understand that children are funny to watch, and i vowed, if i had my very own place to live, i'll make it the best place to live in. I too would like to have a family, i too would like to be one of the old time fools who grew, and somehow managed to survive in life with a family. I dont want a family to show others i have a family, that i have babies, and a wife. I want a family so that i know, in this world, there's still a place where i can call home. I would allow dogs to live in the family too, because i like dogs. Maybe cats. But i never really had the chance to get to know a cat. But you could be thinking, wouldnt dogs harm lil babies? Trust me they wont. Dogs are babies themselves, even though they are much larger than babies. And it would be cool to see my kids growing up with dogs, just like brothers and sisters. I would love to have a family like that. I vowed that i'll make it the best place to live on earth. No hassle. No arguments. Just pure ease. I only thought about getting married when i was a lil kid, before i was 13, after that i never really thought about such thing as marriage. But when i did think about it, i smiled each time, it would be cool to have a family. Notice the way im saying it. It would be cool.

At the newspaper shop, one of the two owners (named Mani) has been married, and has a child. A new born one. And he say's its a hassle, cuz the dude cries at random ass times. His other brother (names Purd) is getting married this Sunday. Wait. Sunday. Dont tell me i missed it. EH!? Ah wells, i'll ask the dude whether he's married or not the next friday i see him. If he is, congrats. If he isnt, then hurry the fck up.

And they both tell me, life is hard, marriage is hard. What isnt? However hard life is, as long as you're content, then thats all there is to it. In actual, life isnt hard at all if you're content. But seeing as other people who share the same kid with somebody, i dont understand where divorces come in, or how the hell it happened in the first place. Thus i state, the youth are all fools man. Only some i know aint though. Sometimes i think about my future, whether im in a position to get married, or better yet, am i worthy of getting married. Its easy to think, but man. Its hard. Oh yeah and another thing, i dont see the point of having a wedding, i dont get it. How does spending a fck load of money make a good wedding. I've only been to a wedding once in my life, that in was in HK, a wedding of my cousin, and man that was one crap ass wedding i went to. I was a kid then, around 12. Didnt get to do anything. I wore cool clothes though. Jin was smart. Other than that, me and my bros were stuck there eating east wind.

But i hope you dont get me wrong. Because dear Princess. I wantchur babies too.

Personally i dont like to own a lot of stuff, i dont think there is a need to. And its been over a year since i've had the luxury of having a room to stay in, i'll gain that luxury in two weeks time when i move back into the old family flat i told you about. By then all the peace i want should be here, but i'll be sharing my residents with two other people too. Im a messy person, i dont like to clean my room, i dont like to make things pretty, I dont like to hassle, i dont like to be bothered by people who like nagging people, i hate to boss others around, and i hate to be bossed around too. And you know the one thing i cant seem to stop hating is people who disturbs my sleep. Know that im a nocturnal person, and and light sleeper too. I wake up to the lightest noise if my slumber has not reached the process of passing through the first to third gate. I frickin hate it when i get disturbed by dudes. I can never seem to hold down my anger. Like this morning, i was on the edge of kicking down my sister's door jus cuz she was watchin a silly ass video on youtube, on loud speaker on her laptop. I aint been sleeping well for the past two days. All i've been doing is blogging and begging for sleep. Time is now 03:00 AM if you wanted to know. Yeah its been two hours already. I never once hated your morning calls though. Yours were different.

I would like to try smokin too. Maybe just one spark. Drinkings not my thing, although i would also like to try and cane down a bottle of JD, just cuz its all spicy and stuff. When i was lil, i wanted to buy myself a pipe like those old people smoke from, would be fun to try that out too. Maybe i will try and spark up a cancer stick and smoke it. I dunno. Tekkon Kinkreet makes smoking seem cool.

Are you reading this Donna? I love you man. I still wanna take you around Bham at night. Still wanna take you to HK. And a bike ride too. Because i had been practicing i eight months back when i rode my bike to edu-labour. I practiced hard. But one day the pedal snapped off while i was enjoying the breeze, fckin made me feel like a fool in front of all those people i nearly hit. And there was another time when i was riding on the street and forgot to ride back up onto the sidewalk, nearly ran into a black taxi man. I remember those people lookin at me.

But i still want to go over to your parent's cafe after all this time, because i never once was taken there. You could ask, why should you take me there, who am i? I bet you you wont ask a constumer when they roll into the cafe like that.

"Wanna eat!? Who are you!?".

Honestly. I only wanna go there to eat, because you are a friend of Jin afterall, knowing that you have a family business, its my role to go there and check out the food you got. But i dont know why you dont want to tell me where it is, you dont have to take me, i can go there myself. I dont mind at all. Its not like i wanna take you there to eat with me. However i still dunno why you dont wanna tell me. And at times i ask myself, "will there even BE a next time?". Will there even be a next time indeed. I have another friend in London, who's family owns a family resturant too, but she like you, doesnt want to take me there. If i have time when i go London again, i'll try and go there myself, because i sort of remember the road, i dare say around 30% which is unclear to me. I've only been taken once, i have good memory. Speaking of Memory. I was born with a nose that is nearly impaired, because i cant smell things that good, like you would have already known. And David (my sis's boyfriend) always makes fun of me, because i cant smell things. Says im missing the fun in life, for example the food he cooks, he adds a lot of those smell things i dunno watchu call em, leaves and stuff, corripowder or something like that. And he's there sniffing at the air like he's french, he enjoys his food, because of the smell. I dunno what good odors taste like, but i've been told without the nose, food is only 30% as good as compared to the 100%, in other words 70% goes to the nose. Maybe thats why i like to eat plain, its because i cant smell good smells anyway.

You wanna know what its like to not smell things? Everythings plain. Thats all there is to it. I've also been told rain smells nice, that when they smell rain, its gonna rain. I envy people like that. Most of the times when im eating with family members in HK, we would order a load of food, that smells good of course. And they all would be like "Man that smells NICE!", like they all can smell it from a mile away. And when they come to eating, they have good time. Man. If i was given one odor to be able to smell, i wanna know what rain smells like too.

Its Sunday today.

Tell you a secret also. I dont really take showers. That much. Normally i suspect people would take showers at least 8 times a week, with me i only take showers (if not on a "special occasion") around 2 times a week maybe three ("special occasions" as in i gotta get outta the house and head outside). Yeah. You must be thinking of words to call me. I get a lot of that. Im not a hobo though, dont get me wrong, just that i dont have that much things that chain me down, in other words things i get disturbed by. Maybe thats why my dogs like me so much, because they dont really take showers either, my mom hates the smell of my dogs. She says i smell like em most of the time. Watchu think? Still wanna be friends with a person who smells like a dog?

But you see with me, im cool with that.

If i was to ask you right now, would you still tell me where your parent's cafe is? Three Steps Late part 5. I really hope you have read all the way up until here too, because im trying my hardest to letchu know who i really am. Im not lying to you, if i was to lie even on this blog, then i ought to rethink my motivation towards letting you know this entry saga in the first place. But i really dont have any motive. About the Present i plan on giving to your parents. Its nothing big. Its just a present. If you were to ask why would i suddenly give them a present. Then i tell you. I dont really know. But i just want to give them a Present. Maybe its because of the times i stayed at your home. Maybe. I dunno, but i still wanna give them the present personally. I plan to stop by at your house and drop off the present there after i come back from London, maybe on the 4th (friday) or the 5th; because you said i can. So dont go accusing me for comming over. I'll text you. By then you would (should) have already read all these entries (really hope you do).

Whats your favourate Season? Mine's Winter. Because of the scenry and street lamps. And the fog.

When walking with a group of people, i hate to be at the front, because i would have to lead the way at my own pace, go to places upon gut feeling. I hate being at the front, i hate being left behind too. I prefer being in the middle of a group, away from the heat and action from the front, away from the solitude at the back. But most of the times i end up being at the back, i dont know why. I could walk up to the front, but whats the point, i would seem like trying to prove something then. Like they say, when you put others before you, you get left behind. Tell me bout it.

But you say not only do i write too much, but i think too much too. Its not that i think to much, i know that would be troublesome; always tryna analyse things, always trying to place your opinions onto something, always tryna make things dramatic. I dont live in my head. But when it comes to blogging, theres no choice but to write so much, because after my Dearest, blogging takes time and effort. And i always plan out my time. I write so much because each blog entry represents a different me, i want that different me to be remembered, even if it was just a few sentences, or a huge entry like before. Each one is a different me. In actual, i dont think much, nor do i write much at all. I was known for a man of a few words from one person that once liked me. Way back when though. Made her cry. Im serious. She made me sick though. Always trying to force emotions onto me. Yuk man. The hell you playin at.

I hate seeing people cry. Because i was at the Central Library reading, and then i heard a lil kid scream and then cry. You ever noticed, even little babies get angry. Doesnt need to be taught it. Born from anger man. Babies these days. All they fckin want is milk and cookies.

Talking bout the Central Library, i have been spending most of my recent times sitting there. I had to pretend i was going to School. None of which my parents knew about, and also my too guardians too. In actual, nobody knows who i really am. I mean, nobody knew i walked out of school. Take note of that, i walked out. Because i got bored. I was ask this question by the dudes who own the newspaper shop near my school, a place where i hang out at the back, and i said to them "I got bored man.". They shook their heads and smiled in dissapointment. I did tell them the truth, its as easy as that. But what can you do when people think you're ignorant. You dont mean to. Just you dont wag your tail for no one. Anyway. The Library (hope i spelt it right). Been spending my time there. I like to sit on the Second floor where the seats are right next to the big windows. So infact, you can sit down, lean on the wall, as well as having the luxury of big widescreen windows that run all the way across the room, left to right. And you get to see people do things. You can really see it that well on the third floor though. Because they made it that way. So the second floor. I like to stay there to watch people down below do things, whether walking, standing, sitting. Its like ink painting Donna. You have to sit back to see the whole thing properly, and that you cannot see it from close up - taught by this one old guy that came down to the resturant to eat for a week because of this badminton championship thing back in jan - feb times this year. Discussed most thoroughly in my other entry i wrote. Forgot the name. If you have time, you should spend some time in the Central Library too. Just for the sake of looking through that wideass window screen thing.

But of course. There is the problem which you always have. "Boring." like you say. Gurl. You missing the point. So you should check it out some time, when you come down again. Fckin hell im hungry man. Gonna go eat. Then work. Carry on later.

*Heads out 19:18PM*.
*Returns - 23:40PM*

Yo. Dearest. I's return. What did you have to eat? Me? Today my dad forced me to eat this double dish colaboration dish thing, which is wet/dry noodles and a seperate bowl of Soup, and also woked wontons, if you know what i mean. He says thats how people in HK eat, he says the noodles are called "Lo Lo". Lo Lo my ass man. Btw. I didnt want the wontons. I just wanted my normal meal, Shanghai noodles, kai lan and steamed tofu. But i told them to make me something to take away though, white rice and vegies.

27 mins before Monday. I never got to talk to you today. "Where could you be?".

Normally i would head home at around 23:05pm - 23:10pm just to rest up from this day of work, but today was a different night. It felt good man. It wasnt breezy nor was it too cold, Summer nights in the UK can be good too, thats one thing the UK is good for. So i decided to take a night stroll around town. I live here afterall. And it was a good night, the sky was peaceful, not like any other nights when it would be windy, or the air would be giving the skin chill bumps, this night, everything was peaceful. Not much people out also, like it should be that way too. So i took a stroll around town, and the night makes things so different, its hard to imagine. And for some reason, the street lights make themselves stand out more during the night, during the day, they are a bother, metal sticks being planted on the ground for no good reason. HK over does it with the street lights and those store lights. Spoils it bigtime. With a good night, good street lights that work, peaceful surroundings, the cake is made, time to go for a work. Personally. I dont see why not.

Birmingham town is funny, because you can notice the seperation between different districts. Like around the Bullring area, its all just a teen's hang out place. If you head out from the Bull, you'll come across two split roads, to the left leading to the Palasade/New Street Station Area. To the right leads to the Business/Happy Hour/Fancy ass resturant district. I walked both. seeing as though i had nothing to do. I tell you, the Bullring looks real nice at night, because its made of glass windows all around, so when you walk up the stairs from Chinatown, you'll come across two entrances to the Bullring from the second floor, both building entrances built from glass walls. So you can see them from inside. Kinda looks like the Fifth Avenue Apple Store in the US. Kinda like that. If there werent people walking up and down, i woulda jus stood there and looked inside. But it woulda made me look stupid.

And its Monday. 00:00 AM.

Taking the split road right, you'll come across the district with loads of fancy ass resturants, and you can feel that this part of town is different from the rest, much more mature, more down to earth. So i jus stood there by the sidewalk looking at cars come towards me and go; cars and their lights paint a pretty scenery to the night too. Oh yeah, talk about scenery. When i was sitting inside the Central Library, looking down at people, i couldnt help but see the clouds move so quick, i think this was during Thursday. It was windy on that day. So the clouds were moving fast. And i noticed something. I noticed that the sky and the earth are two different worlds. In other words, people are too caught up in their little civilisation, building so many things around them, limiting their own space. The sky's so free from that. So i jus stood there watching those cars come and go, and i didnt feel like moving an inch. Because the night was almost perfect from being perfect - there was a tiny breeze. But its almost there, better than unperfect. So i said to myself. "I dont see why not.". I saw people walking past and looking at me like a hojo, but damn, the night was too good to miss out. But if i just stood there the whole night, then i would also miss alot, now i didnt want that. So i looked at the sky.

No stars tonight Donna. Just a dark blue sky fading into space.

Behind where i stood led back into the central district of town, going past KFC, and all those other crap ass stores you see. Around 30 footsteps away from where i stood. The thing about that part that led back into town was that the street lights there was all off, so basically it was half and half. Now that looked cool. So i headed there. I didnt see why not. I always wanted to see the line between light and dark. But it fades together though. So in actual, its all one thing. After being lead back into town, i made my way towards the pedestrian entrance of the Pallasades, you know. Up that walkie thing. But before you got there you had to get past the bus stop area first, and there were some people still left standing around. I saw a lot of Somalians though, thought it was Somalian Night. There were old, young, couples, teens. And i couldnt help but notice each of their expressions. Its all something to see if you have time to observe. Do not force yourselve to observe, it comes naturally.

Hey, one question. Do you take pity on Old people? I take pity on Old people. Do you know why? Its because they dont know how to be content.

But most Old dudes do look content, only a few that doesnt. The ones i saw on the streets all looked content. Maybe it was because of the night, plus the sound of busses, the lil breeze, sound oe people; they all just looked so happy. Teens didnt look so happy, they all looked like they got dumped. Every frickin one of them looked like they got dumped, they all showed a unsatisfied face man. And i couldnt help but notice myself noticing, theres only two groups of people who are actually happy - which i conclude with upon my own personal experience: lil baby kiddos and old doods. The ones in between are fools. Every single one of them. Does this include me and you? Well. You once said to acknowledge the fact that you're cool because you rule on gvg, in actual, i knew you pwned from the first moment i first talked to you; if you werent cool, if you didnt rule, then how comes i liked you? So you must know, for me to like you, you must meet the requirements of being cool.

Because you see. Im cool like that. Quoted from Samurai Sugar Slash.

I didnt feel like entering the Pallasades, because my stroll would end there, so i turned left, and headed towards the Bull, which in fact from the Bull, it is the split road to the left. So i took the left road and headed towards the Bull. This part of town only looks good at night. If you cross the road, passing Waterstones, towrds the Central Library, you'll find the place where the German Market used to be held. And Donna, the German Market was a place and half. Me and Jum used to head there after skool, every friday during Winter, and i enjoyed those times man. Because it was Winter, and the sky turns dark quick during the Winter, like around 4 Something PM. I remember those times when i still had to go Skool, i used to hang out at the Newspaper shop from hometime til they shut down. Then i would walk home, which was an hour's walk. And it was cold back then. But the street lights made me carry on. And man, that area looked indiscussably beautiful with all those lights. The German Market was better though, because its like the UK's Kyoto. If you get what i mean.

Personality tests doesnt mean a thing, in actual, you must know, they do only speak of a part of a person, so you could say it taks maybe a few hundred tests just to figure a person out. We are not rocks Donna, i didnt believe in what you said to me at all. What you may like, i dont, what i may like you dont; to me that is the crapest lie i ever heard in my life. I dont believe that at all, because i know people will change. I know i'd be able to accept what you like, in actual, im able to accept what other people like, Without a problem at all, that is why people dont like to be around me, whether in any situations, i dont have a single complaint. Im not telling you this just so i can make things up about myself, i really am like this, if you were to ask somebody, they could tell you the same. If you wish to accept others, first you must place away all your opinions, thats the secret to what i've learnt. Personality tests do not mean a thing. But then again, you accepting other people, thats a different story.

When i was a kid (around 12), when i first started watching Anime, Cowboy Bebop was the first one i ever saw, and i was lucky to have started off with a 5 star Anime like that. Even though i was lil, even though i didnt know anything about the real world, Cowboy Bebop taught me about it. Even though an anime, it taught me a lot. Ranging from friendship, trust, betrayal, the way life works, the way life is seen through a stray dog's eyes, the way that stray dog's life ended. I cried after watching that anime, epside 26 was a killer ending. I wasnt ready for it man. Do you know why i gave you this anime as a present? Because a part of Jin comes from that anime, like the bases of this structure. But you told me it was boring, wasnt it? You dont like watching sad anime like that dont you? Life is hard Donna, making friends is hard, keeping them is hard, everything is hard. And for what? You ask yourself, watchu live for, watchu work for, watchu breathe for, watchu cry for, watchu dump your memories for, watchu drown that soul for, watchu look for, watchu found, watchu like, watchu wanna keep, watchu hate, watchu dont wanna keep, watchu asking for, watchu want as a satisfyable answer - asking all those questions like that. And what for? In the end, there is a no answer i can find. Just like lingering into life like a free cereal prize.

Spike Spiegel is still my favourate anime character. Not because he acts cool, likes bruce lee, but the character. Relaxed, unconcerned, accords with the surroundings, keeps to himself from people he doesnt know, has a hard time expressing himself to people who he likes, is considered a lowlife bounty hunter, useless loser. I thought to myself at first when i watched the anime, "what is this character trying to portray?", i know the creater didnt want to make a souless cool guy like you see in other animes, what the point for? Like that bastard anime Sayuki. That has to be the worst anime a man can watch. So i studied Spike, each and every episode, and i've come to like him very much. Even though 26 episodes, he taught me a lot. One of his quotes was "And remember, dont leave things in the refridgerator for too long, otherwise....". But the most amaziest quote of all was "Whatever happens. Happens." in a cool, voice. Even though it was English dubbing, it was class. Whatever happens, happens. You know kids do get their minds infected like that, but luckily i wasnt infected with other....stuff. I dont act like him, but i take that relaxed, unconcerned personality as a part of myself. Im not pretending to be like that either, it feels good, at ease to be that way.

Most of the times when im alone, i would find a place to sit, and just sit there, watch other people do things. Like the last time i went to London, i was literally on the border of being stuck in Waterloo station for the rest of my night, but i wasnt scared, wasnt concerned. I was tired that night, all i wanted to do was find a seat and rest there. But someother plan hit me, so i couldnt stay. This time, when im going to London, i might stay there, and just watch people do things. Euston Station is crap, so i dont wanna be there ever again. Reminds me of that gay guy tellin me im sweet. Once somebody asked me what goes on in my head, i couldnt find any answer to that other than lying, but now i know what goes on in my head. Whatever i observe, that is whats in my head. Thats the truth. So where is myself? I cannot live without others around. In other words im scared of solitude.

Do you know why i like nighttime more than day? Because i dont like seeing people turn their backs to return to their personal life. Tell you a secret Donna. I dont really have that much friends (i personally hang around with), i only have a few close friends. You're one of the few in my network. When i was a lil kid, i enjoyed going to skool, because i did get to see my friends, but i always hated hometimes, because each and everyone of my friends would leave and go home. I didnt like seeing people depart, i hate departures. When i was in secondary school, Mom would take me to skool real early, and i'd be the only one on the big playground, it would be around 8 Am when i get there, and i'd be the first one to step foot on the playground. Winter was hardest to get through. I hated it. All this reminds me of the book i once read called Catcher in the Rye. Thats why i like nighttimes more, because by then, everybody would already have gone home, so i wont have to see people walking away; even though there would still be some outside, i know these dudes are the same as me, just getting through the night. But most times i like to watch things at night, because of the lights. The only thing good about Cities is the lights, and the people thats remaining. Most of the time when i go to HK, i would watch people on the streets do things at night. I live in Fanling. New Territories. A small city connecting to another small city which connects to another small city and finally into a big city. Sounds good eh? I also dont like photographs, because things seem too dead when you look at them. Life should be spontaneous. Thats why im not a camera guy.

And i wondered one time, why gurls like taking pics of themselves so much. I have this friend on msn, takes pics of herself all the time, when she comes online its like every pic is different. So i says to her one time "Yo you gotta stop taking pics of yourself, makes you seem desperate." She flipped yo. 

Would you ever risk travelling alone Donna? Its not that scarey after the first time. Getting lost isnt that bad. All in all, i dont get bored easily. I dont get disturbed easily either.

Then there's the issue about food which each being hassles over. I see people eating food with strong flavours, also eating food with heavy spices, and i think to myself, your day is tiring, how comes you torture yourself even when it comes to eating? Why make things worse? The sort of food i'd prefer is categorised in  Assortments. I cant cook, you think i can, but its only mixing things together. When people cannot mix things together, they say they cant cook, when people see others able to mix things together, they say they can cook. In actual, preparing food for myself is as easy as having a shit. I dont like to hassle. Most of the times, i eat big bowl noodles, with lots of vegies, sometimes i eat the same meal every single day, every single meal. For example, cheese and beans. Or beans and rice. Or rice and sweet chili sauce. Or noodles. Its been a while since i ate meat, i dont have that craving anymore. Do you want to know why i stopped eating meat? Nothing religious. If i stop eating meat, then theres one less animal that has to die. Even though there are others out there still eating corpse, suckin on corpse bone, drinking corpse milk, at least i know i didnt cause those animals to die. Im not in the same group as who the dudes kill for. In terms of taste, i tend to eat plain, because i dont hassle over taste for my three inch tongue. It is not my tongue that eats, but my belly.

Today's a good day Donna. Got to talk to you all this time, and you're still here talkin to me. Time is around 00:54 AM. Sunday morning. I really hope you do read this. Because i miss you.

I never once asked you properly what you liked eating most, what sort of things you like, what sort of things you dont lik