*RB* Dear Life.

You could be wondering why i started this entry like this, normally i wouldnt, but today is just a gloomy mood, and when you dont have anybody else to share your words with, all you can do is turn to the sky. Most of the time i dont like doing that, because i dont wear my glasses now, like you would have known too, because you are Life. So if you were just ondering why i decided to write to you, today some mood hit me, and i couldnt find a better way to let it out other than bloggin it to you. Normally i would blog to myself, but thats not the case for today. Because dear Life, i felt blue today.

Life. like i said in my previous entry, i would be posting a lot of things, but the thing is, i dont feel like i wanna blog all of that in one piece anymore, because when i look back to it i think that its pointless, talkin bout the value of life, value of money, and those topics i mentioned. You can ask why, like i said you should know, because you are Life after all. However, seeing as though you're here this time, it wouldnt hurt to at least tell you something you already know, just in case you didnt know, in that case thats what im here for. Thats how i know you are stupid.

I went to see my friends last Saturday at the News Paper shop, i missed my friday session, mainly because i couldnt sleep on that day, so i didnt have the energy yo wake up and move, so i just stayed on the sofa, enjoying some peace time with myself. But it was hot though if i can remember poperly. So i was there on that sturday, and i hoped i could have enjoyed this one anime movie i bought from HMV, its called Tokyo Godfathers, a movie about 3 homeless dudes and their life. Its a good movie, because i like when i see myself, or parts of myself in movies, especially anime movies, nothing else better. But when i arrived at the place, i found myself with Perd, one of the news paper shops's owners, the one that doesnt like anime out of the 2 that owns the place; so yeah i was stuck there having to talk to each other in a more serious mood compared to talkin to his other brother, Mani. But that was different when i got there, because like i said you stupid fool, Perd was there. So i was stuck talkin to him instead. And like always, and i dont know why, i will be lectured, on my own life, and i dont know how many times i have been over this, but like i said, i dont hassle over my own life. Dear Life. So then why should others? But he was smart though, because he says after all tat lecturing, telling me to head back into education and all: "But i wont give you lectures, because i know you have a tendacy to listen to what you like.". I do take into consideration what im being told, but when it comes down to decisions, its always the same principle. Afterwards we started talkin and talkin, then we got onto the topic of his marriage, because he mentioned it in the first place. He said he will be getting married in two weeks (if im not mistaken that is 14 days). And he says to me, marriage is hard, because of all the stuff you have to put up with, your wife, your hobbies that must be put aside, money, your own future, and her future too. Because as you know, Life, marriage isnt a one person thing, when it comes down to that, two people's future is on the line, that is why i dont really see myself getting married to somebody in the first place, who would want to live with a loser like you? Im serious man. Thats how i think. But he seems happy, and because of this he goes onto talkin bout the value of life, value of money, and how he learnt the value of these two when he was a small kid, around the age of 16. Because he started workin in the market trade then, you know, the things that indian people do.

He then goes on tellin me about his childhood stories, the stories only he had, the things only he experienced, the fun times which nobody else could tell you. He even said, he could sit there for hours at the pub, telling people about the funny ass times he had as a child. I asked him, "so then what really makes you happy?", he said two topics. One is the value of life which he learnt, to enjoy life. Two is the value of money, which infact the value of life can not life without, as he says. I asked him, how does he like to spend his money, he tells me he likes to spend his money for his family, like when the family needs things, he will buy them with his own hard earned cash. Talkin of cash, he earn a lot during his teenage days, around over 10 grand he told me. I dont know how, so dnt ask me. I only get paid a 100 a week, so what you askin me for? I agree on the value of life, as he taught me, dont be like people who go to clubbing and stuff, because clubbing is a waste of energy. As he puts it, there ARE no nice gurls there, all fat and ugly, all excited over the sight of men lookin at the clothes they wear at the freakin place. And about the boos, the stupid ass prices you have to pay, compared to of a pub, as he tells me. Life. He tells me he doesnt spend his time wasting himselve over boos, to the point where he is addicted over it, however boos was a part of his childhood he could never forget, and smoking to. And this goes back way back to when he was at college, so if i was to elaborate on the things he said, it would ruin this entry. So dear Life, i wont be doin that today.

But the value of life does not lie within money Life, of all people you should know this very well, because in the end, what is money anyways? Money is like flowing water, only lets you see it, but not grasp it. But others dont thin kthe same way either. But thats ok, i dont have any thing to boast about either, afterall Life, the game has been decided. I knew i couldnt win you afterall. Dear Life, you are one tough chess opponent. If you was to ask me, what is the value of life? The value of life to me is having a peaceful place to settle down after aday of noise. Or in other words, a place to lie down after a day of standing up. But seriously, i believe the value of life lies in the ability to express yourself to others freely, in other words, no hassle, no arguments, no rejections. Just pure ease.

Enough about that saturday man, it was boring. Recently i have just finished watching another anime movie called Tekkon Kinkreet, the story is about two orphant kids, who live on the streets, in the modern day society, fighting for their city, for what they believe to be theirs, and for each other. After when i finished watching that movie, the only thing i could think to myself at that time was "Man. Outrageous Kids.". Why? Because in that movie, kids have the ability to jump ten feet high into the air, have the ability to jump from high places and land on their feet while sliding like a kewl gai, and they have the ability to climb up tall buildings with funky skills. Pretty loling. But thats not why i watched the movie, because you see, movies like these inspire me as a person who doesnt think like many do. Take Tokyo Godfathers for example, that was a moving movie, a heart moving movie, because of the theme that it was based around, homelessness, simple life, establishing good roots with people you are around with, fighing to protect your last thread of dignity, your dreams, your hopes. Same with Tekkon Kinkreet, the theme its based upon is also homelessness, where kids live in the dirty slumbers, who live only for themselves, and not wag their tails for others, quioted from the movie. Thats how i like my life too, Life. I dont liket o be bossed around, nor do i like bossing other people around, why cant everything just be so like how you dreamt it to be? Because Life, you're far too naive.

Also, not long ago, my friend James said he doesnt want to go to HK with me anymore, due to the fact that somebody was in his head, that he will be mopin around, the moment i heard this, i was relieved man. In actual, i didnt want him to come in the first place, but a promise is a promise. So i said to him, if you ever want to go, as long as im alive, i will take you there one day. No answer though, soi havent been talkin bout HK in front of him after that time. Now that i think of it, havinghim around in HK would be much better than being alone, because Dear Life, i spend a lot of my own time being alone. Not that i dont have the opportunity to go out there and make friends, it is because the youth are all fools.

Life. know that im typing this entry up mainly with my eyes closed. It is a skill practiced by the typer after around 10 years of typing on a keyboard. And i wondered one time, who the hell invented this keyboard key structure. But he sure was smart. Dear Life, i think you are gay. It is becaus ei have to open my eyes at some point to correct some of my typos. I have been talking to Donna lately, and its been good, being able to speak to her and all. Dear Life, its nearly been around 3 years since i first started talking to her, nearly around 2 years ever since i saw her in person, and i was reading back at my old blog posts yday, and i stumbled upon those of which was talkin about this woman. However i spent most of my time reading back through the "One Day. Three Stories." entries, those were funny. And its been good reading back on those old entries, because i can see how exactly i have change, and to tell you the truth, the style in writing now is way better than how i used to write, actually i feel retarded reading back to how i used to write, because it sounds like a kid trying to be funny. However, when i read back to it, it is funny. So Life, dont accuse me of not telling you what you needed to know, because after all, you are Life.

And its been good being able to talk to Donna, now that we're all grown up and stuff, we can share some good things. And we're starting to say, tell each other things that we havent said or told, but i know it will only be seen as another convo from another day. But you must know, i still love her like i loved her before, even though she loves me no more. And i thought to myself, talkin gto her would be impossible now that last time seeing her go to Bham was a mess, like i explained on that entry, she changed a lot. I remember those days when she used to text me in the morning, to speak to me, whenever she was bored, whenever i was bored too. But i remember those days when i had to wake up to ride my bike to skool, uphill 40 mins a frickin ass ay, actually uphill an hour to be exact. But mornings would be the same, i would be woken up by the vibrrating of my mobile, afterall, my dearest would be the one i wake up to.

Dear Life, even though i start my setences with the two words "Dear Life", know that you aint my dearest, so dont get me wrong.

But those mornings stopped Life, she didnt text me anymore, more and more days spent sleeping overtime, knowing that i didnt get a text back, even if i tried to text to her the replies would be little. Until where everything ends up, back to square one. Dear Life, why do smiles appear so bright and shiny during those first moments, and why do they fade to the point where they were forgetten? Dear Life, why do people act like that? Dear Life, how does the society live without the understanding of friendship?

Dear Life, i dont really have much friends in real life, because i spent my time being locke dinside when i was lil kid, due to the fact that my parents were always out working, so we couldnt go anywhere but to stay at home, So i spent most of my time on the internet. Which brought me to the actions of travelling to places. Pitiful fool huh? Do you know why i travel? To find people like myself afterall but in actual, i like to watch people go about their daily lives, because we would all be strangers then. I dont like being the third person Life. Because the only thing the third person can do is laugh, or keep quiet.

Life is hard Life.

Speaking of travelling, Donna came down to Bham again yesterday, but before she came down she told me that she will be going there, or here. I tried asking her to tell me where she will be, but she kept on rejecting, saying i have work, i will be busy. In other words, no matter how hard i tried, she would only asnwer with a no. You know i try hard Life jsut to get people to understand i care for them, but the thing is, i do things bacwards, so people dont see things that way, as old folks say people who are left handed die the earliest, people who inhabit the left hand are strange, are weird, most of the time spent doing things alone, in that ase, i would undboutfully agree to all of that. Becuase Dear Life, i tried getting myself invited, but she wouldnt let me. I thought to myself, maybe i'll just forget about it, seeing as though she has her life, i have mines.

But the thing is, i was pretending not to care.

So today, it was windy, actually it was windy the night before, and when i came to wake up from dreaming after the door to the couple's room suddenly smacked open cuz of the wind comming from somewhere, i heard the wind noises, so i thought to myself, maybe she wont come down, seeing as though it was windy and all. So i carried on sleeping. Soon i woke up to the call of my mom, i dont know why but i didnt answer, it was around 11 something am, i was hal dreaming, half awake. And i could swear i dreamt Donna sent me a text to head out to meet her, but when i finally woke up for real, i didnt find any texts sent by her, all is but a dream.

Natrually bricks were shat. I didnt have toilet paper.

To tell you the truth, i really wanted to give her a text, asking her whether she had arrived in Bham safely, the elast i could do was wait for her somewhere, but the night before, she didnt tell me where she was going to be, judging from that, she doesnt want to see me in the first place. Even though i tried, the convo we had before the night she came was crud, didnt go anywhere, so judging from that, i didnt call her at all. But the day was gloomy, and i was tired again, didnt get much sleep. Now that its passed onto the next day, im even more tired. Im known for being nocturnal.

So i woke up, carried on with my routine, the couples had the whole morning and parts of the afternoon together, so i couldnt stay at home, seeing as though im supposed to be going to education slave labour. So i prepared myself, and headed for the central library, like i have been most recently. Speaking of the library, i sit on the second floor, when im reading a book, by the very large window thing where there are seats that run all the way across the room; so i get to sit down, read a book and also watch people and their lives. If you have time Life, try and look down at different people, and you will see if you look at people as a whole, and not individually, you will come to like it. Why? Looking at a individual is selfish, you will miss out a lot of the world, so you should watch them as a whole, that way you will find something you like. As for me, thats how i choose to watch others from up above, mainly because it helps soothes the eyes. Like i said Life, i havent been wearing my glasses for nearly more than a year, and im known for being short sighted - as i started wearing glasses since i was eight. Now im Eighteen. I stopped wearing glasses the last time i got back from Hong Kong. And ever since that, i have felt i have some kind of connection with the anime character named Uchiha Itachi, because he is known for his ability with the Sharingan. Which infacts strains his eyes to the point where he is in danger of losing it, very soon.

Being short sighted, and not wearing glasses, how is that like? Basically you see things not clearly compared to others. Everything is blurry, like out of focused style, or too much focused. Like when you are trying to take a snap shot of a bug, but you're too close to it, that sort of focus, except with me, its when i am trying to see things far away from me/ If i was to estimate, it would take the distance of 14 footsteps to fool my eyes. If under lightening conditions, around 7 footsteps would make my eyes go blurry. When i was at Taiwan, i was told my these people who work at this place which creates this sort of chinese medicine, that if a person sees black tadpole like spots moving around when you are looking at things, then there is a huge huge risk of getting blind when at old age. Undoubtfully, i have been seeing a lot og these tadpole things move around, whenever i try to start at something, mainly in light conditions. But being short sighted and not wearing glasses, makes me see the world much more of a dream, than of real life, because when dreaming, it is very much the same.

Dear Life. When the sky turns dark, why do i feel so blue?

I avoided going to places where i know teens would go, like the Mall, places around the Mall, popular places. However i wished to see her when i walked through the train station while i was making my way to the library. I focused my eyes so that i would be aware of somebody i know, even when i came back from the library, it was raiining though when i walked back. So i did, i focused my eyes in order to see if i could spot somebody i know around. Indeed i spotted somebody i know, but it was the wrong person. It was again, my frickin step bro with his friend, and i knew it was him when i heard him on my left hand side, 4 steps away from me. So i didnt really see her at all. I even waited at the train station, for around 10 mins, to see if she was around, because time was hitting 5 pm, and i thought because last time she came down, she left at six, maybe this time she will leave around 5, because there was a train that was about to leave, so i thought maybe it could go the way i thought. But no. It didnt. Dear Life, i was tired that day.

Looked around, after seeing not one person i know, i decided to go have some noodles at the shop, and went home afterwards, however i had a urge to head over to the bullring, to a bookstore to just check if she would be there. As soon as i got home, i headed for the blacony, cuz i saw a big puddle outside, cuz it was raining hard afterall, plus i saw some rain driplets outside, so i thought i'd just stare at that for a moment, because Dear Life, the day was blue.

When you have nobody else to turn to, only thing you can do is talk to the sky. When people do that, others think youre talkin to yourself, but you're not. The thing is, others dont want to listen in the first place. If it comes down to that, what can you do, but be heart broken and quiet? I cant think of any other way. Thats why i travel.

After work i got to talk to Donna, and slowly i understood she really did come to Bham, because she was mainly at the Bullring, she even told me what time it rained; i knew because i was walking in the rain then. She even told me who she was with, Kellie, Tina and a dude name Vincent. Upon hearing that i made a joke, saying why she left Cloud (Strife) behind as well. But it was a stupid joke. She told me she had a lot of fun, the four of them all had fun, told me she left at 7pm, makin her way back to PB. And the name Vincent, i think i've seen her type that name once before. She had a lot to talk about, i couldnt help but just feel even more blue, because of the jazz i once got through just to see her. Now that shes in my town, she didnt even invite me to come see her. In my town man. So i couldnt help but envy, because all i have been doing at that time, when they were having fun, was seeing how grey the day was afterall. So she was telling me of the things that happened, the convo slipped to the point where i got involved.

Dear Donna. I really wanted to see you today, because its been a while since we talked, been a while since i've heard your voice again. If you gave me just a few more seconds on the night before you logged off, i could have sworn i would have been able to ask of your plans on the day you came down to my town again. Donna, i avoided the route of going home through the Bullring, knowing you'd be there, i had a feeling you would be somewhere near my seat at Borders, and most certainly knowing that you would be here in my town, where im not far from you. Yet, you didnt give me a chance to see you. I didnt have work, i dont have work until 7. But the fact is i always have to be outside, i cant watch the rain, because people would think im in their way, i cant stay at home, because i would bother the two couples, most of my friends dont really spend their time hanging around me, because of education and stuff, and i dont really find my friends, because they have their own lives to clean up too. II spend most of my time alone, not because i want to. I dont want to, not even one bit. But i dont have a choice man. Not that you stepped foot into my town, i thought maybe you would just let me see you o?nce after so long.

But i know, after talking to you for so long, that you dont really wanna see me in person anymore. I asked you whether i can come down to PB, you're answer was "Whatever, i dont care anymore.". I rarely shed tears. Please dont say that again. I cant handle it. I hope in six months time when you come to read this, you'll know that i really wished to see you today. Now that the day is over, all i can do is hope for you to sleep well. Because six months i've told you to stay with me more. I dont sleep well neither. But what choice do i have?

Dear Life. A part of me is screaming, asking me, why did i go against my gut feeling today? Why didnt i go see Donna myself, even if she never wanted me to see her in the first place? Even if she's forgetten how i look? Even if shes never known me that well, never seen my shaved head? Its asking me, why do i weep and regret over the things i chose to do? My answer to all your questions is, i didnt choose the things i did, she did.

Me and Kevin plan to head down to London again, but before i do that, i will be headin to PB for some stuff i gotta do. If i wont get a chance to see Donna, i dont think i will be goin, so i'll shift it after i comeback to London. I will be stayin for 2 nights and a day, so yeah. You could be thinking, how you're supposed to remember all this. Life, know that as long as im alive, you're alive too. if i remember all this, you will too.

Dear LIfe. I'll work hard to get back into the mood i was in 2 days ago. Calm and settled. I wont cry over not seeing Donna anymore.