*RB* Three Steps Late [PT 7]: No regrets.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xf5QHb14SQ&feature=related
I promised you that i'd let you know more about myself, infact i promised you a lot of things. Maybe you've forgotten, maybe it annoys you to be always given riddles. I wasnt giving you any riddles at all, just parts of the truth i want to tell you. I dont know if you're still reading, but i have been writing up until now. And its been three days since i started writing. Time is now 15:23 PM. Its Monday today.
Its hard to explain Donna. Theres so many things i still wanna tell you, but its been Six long entries already, Maybe you've given up half way, actually maybe you've given up the first moment you saw there was a fck load of text to read. I know you said you dont like reading, i cant stop you from not reading, but it would be nice, if you had spend some time reading past six entries. Because i've never talked about myself for so long, and also because im writing all this up just to letchu know that things are hard to explain. Maybe you've gotten sick of reading, gotten sick of reading about myself, reading all those stuff that i wrote, maybe you've found somebody afterall, and maybe i was a few steps late again; so inactual maybe you didnt really need to know all of this in the first place. Maybe i was just one of those toys in the attic, maybe i got left in the refridgerator too long, maybe i've gone outta date, maybe trying to talk to you, getting to know you every single day was not the proper way to do things, maybe trying wasnt even the subject. Its hard to explain.
I hope my friend is preparing himself for what he needs to say man, because im goin to tell him after i finish writing these entry sagas that its fckin hard. Ima tell him to write up some sort of rough guide to make sure he knows what he's saying, because man, its fckin hard to explain. I dont know if i made sense during the past Six entries, i dont think back to the entries, but the entry im typing now makes sense to me. I dont see why not. Part 7 already, man.
Do you really have bad memory? Have you really forgotten what i look like? I havent forgotten what you look like, infact, i still know what your voice sounds like, still know those two eyeballs you have, i still know your face, still know your structure. I remember every single thing, because i have been watching closely. Im not a pervert. Just that you're the first gurl i've spent most of my life with. I make it sound like i've known you for years man. But i have. So it works.
Did i ever once tell you, that you have a sweet voice also? That when you speak cantonese you sound cute? That when you speak english i get scared? That when you try to express yourself with cantonese i smile because maybe you cant express yourself properly, or that you're trying your hardest to speak in chinese? That when you speak english, you sound too mature, that maybe its because you can express yourself more clearly, more accurately, more skillfully than you normally do? DId i ever once tell you i dont understand big words?
How can you not like krispy kreme donuts man geez.
My Dad called not long ago, saying one of the new chefs said he has to quit his job cuz he's wife got afriad he might hook up with some of the gurls that work there at the shop. Thats fucked up man. I would be his "Landlord too". Teh lord man.
Hellsing is a good anime. And Hellsing Ultimate too. Only four eps out though.
You could be wondering why spend time writing up Seven entries, maybe you think it's bullshit. But i actually planned to tell you, a long, long, long time ago, but not properly. I just didnt know when the time was right. I really wanted to tell you before, that i [entrmshywrdffs] you. I really did. I really did when we had that long convo, when you shared some parts of yourself with me, when i was a few steps late from proclaiming my justice. I had been accused too many times man. I wanted to tell you that day before Xmas i stayed over that i hate missing you after all those times. I wanted to put my arm around you when we were sitting next to each other watching DNAngel, i wanted to tell you that anime made me sick because Daisuke is getting all mushy for no reason, and that the opening them of that anime is fcking gay. Lemme show you a proper anime opening. Check it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6zDfxZ4NcE
Hell yeah. "Dood. I rock.". Did you ever watch Medabots? I did. I also wanted to tell you when you said you felt like sleeping that day i come over, that i wanna sit in your room in silence and listen to you sleep. Because i wanted to ask you, whether you would let me stay in your room. I promised i wouldnt bother you at all, i just didnt want to leave. But i couldnt because you had your covers over your head, and it was your room, your house afterall. So i just left. I wanted to tell you all those things but i didnt, because i was scared that if i did, then something would happen. To tell you the truth, i was scared you wouldnt talk to me anymore. I expect that from a kiddo. But im serious, i was afraid you wouldnt wanna talk to me anymore. Because it would leak out my horse tail, so i just kept it all until now.
And i tell you, it feels like lifting off 5 tanks from my chest. But its still hard to explain. I hope you can understand. I still have the first xmas present you gave me, which was a lite titanium ring, from HS Samuels. Its there chinging on the wall.
Maybe you was on to what i trying to do the very first moment i started talking to you, or that maybe you clicked on as to why this one boy kept on comming down, from another city, which costs a lot of money, and time, to see...you? Did you ever think that? To tell you the truth, i thought i was doing a good job, because you never mentioned it, and i never mentioned it. And your relatives never mentioned it...so...i did good basically.
Maybe you've found somebody else you liked, maybe i was just going in my own circles, chasing my own tail while during the chasing i saw something else which i wanted to chase, but i got dizzy, didnt see you were always ahead of me afterall. I stopped chasing my tail. Im still a runaway, i still wanna runaway, but i cant for now. Maybe you have somebody else you wanna look for. If you have a dream, you gotta protect it. If you have somebody, you gotta keep it, dont change, because you would be foolish. If you [mshywrdplx] somebody, then you [mshywrdagnthx] them the rest of your life, with the whole of your life, knowing that you are willing to give up all you can give up, even your boxers, your socks, your toothpaste for that person. Of course, giving those things up wouldnt hassle me one bit. I plan to stabalise my love for one women for the rest of my life.
I always hated departures. Never once liked seeing people leave. Turning my back against you, i didnt want to go. Not once at all man, i dont know if i'll ever get a chance for me to see you again, now that i have played the killer move. Has the game been decided yet? Do you still want to talk to me, after reading all that i wrote? Have you read any at all silly woman? I cant forget that i told you that i love you. I cant pretend i never said it, so for one last time. Let me break it down to you, so wax your ears and listen up close otherwise you'll be crying when you're at old age.
Do you hear that? Its my washing machine spinning my clothes around. Its the second time i washed my own clothes on my own. I washed my clothes four times without knowing how to get the machine to put water in it for a spin, after the fourth time i learnt how to do it. Im good eh?
I love you man. Thats all im tryna put across to you. Oh and i miss you too. Oh and i miss you a lot too. And...i wanna buy you donuts for you. Spend time with you drinking coffee like i envy others doing, even though i dont like coffee. Wanna buy you icecream. And candy floss too. And make you brush my teeth. I wanna brush your teeth too. I wanna show you my dogs. Want my dogs to know you. Wanna take you for a bike ride. I wanna play Metal Gear Solid 4 with you. And i want you to be there cheering for me when i go and play Devil May Cry 4, because i was never good at the DMC game series. I wanna spend chinese new year on Guild Wars with you like once spent it with the online community when i was gaming. I wanna heal you as a Monk. Because my monk skills pwn ass. I wanna revive you from a mile away with the ressuraction skill. I wanna spam my Monk's mana to keep your life up on the battlefield. Oh and i wanna give you some green items i collected too. I wanna show you my elite skill stoo which i got from monsters. And i wanna show you my l337 also.
I wanna show you a lot of things. I cant show you my heart, i cant find it. Not inside, not outside, not on the left, not on the right. Not within words, within taste, odor, sound, touch. But im trying. Its hard to explain.
I wanna tell you that out of all those names i have been called, given, labeled, created, used; Jinnycakes was the one that made me feel all warm inside. The first time i saw myself being called that, man you dunno how hard i shat myself in tears. I have never heard anybody accept Tina and Jum call me Jin in real life, not even you. You never call me by my name. You jus. Call me. Speaking about calling, the night you wanted to call me, i only rejected because i was scared i couldnt say anything to you, that maybe afterwards you wont talk to me for the night. So i said nah. Jus to keep the moment from being lost.
I hate departures. Its Monday. Will you still be talking to me?
I wanna say a lot of words to you. Whether Winter, Spring, Summer, Autumn; whether Xmas, whether on your birthday, my birthday, somebody else's birthday. Whether i see you, whether i dont see you. Whether valentines, whether mothers day, fathers day, chinese new years, whether boxing day, whether September. Whether January. I have a lot of words to say to you. Its time to go. Seven entries already. Im not bored. But, you did say you didnt like reading. That i have a huge blog. Donna, you've stumbled upon Jinai's bathroom, i never wanted you to leave one bit. Wish you have read all this. Wish you carry on checking around. Whether for fun, whether you want to make fun of me, whether you wanna show your friends, whether you wanna come back and talk to me again. Whether the world harms you, slanders you, laughs at you, lies to you, betrays you, forgets you, talks to you, calls for you; know that Jin is here all along. Thats why you always see me online.
Just in case you wanted to talk to me. I was alert. Hiding in a box. Like Metal Gear Solid.
But out of all the words i wanna say to you. I have three holy words i found, which was perfect, indiscussably perfect, foolishly stupid, yet round, and well made. Just the size, just the amount, just the weight perfect for this one situation. Three grand words. Disgustingly priceless. Three words used over, and over again. Year after year. Without getting old, without getting boring, without ever dying. Leaving the boundaries of the world of opposites in which we live in. Leaving the world without logos. Toys in the attic are too old, far too old for this. No sound, no letter combination can surpass these three words. Praises for these three can never end, kalpa after kalpa i can go on forever. But i must letchu know. Three words:
Chou na uleh.
Before i finish. Donna. Its still me. The loser who wrote all this. My email is jinai underscore three at hotmail dot com. If you dont ever want to talk to me again, dont feel like saying a word to me again. Then take that email, delete it, never speak of it again. If its the opposite. Then.
Then...i dunno wats nex sorry outta ideas yo. But hey. I love you man. Can i give you a song before you press X and go? It sounds good during Winter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lqqsT6gzfM
Its been nice talkin to you. Been nice trying to share things with you. Been worth the while spending my days talkin to you even if it means missing my dinner. Been nice wakin up to your calls. Been nice spending money to see you. Been nice losing that paper star. Been nice eating that jacket potatoe. Been nice eating your hand chopped sour pear your mom grew outside the garden. Been nice knowing that you rather speak to me than some other people on your msn, at least i acheived something after three years, even if it was little and unimportant. I'll drop off the present for your parents once i come back from London. If not the 4th then the 5th. I'll letchu know.
Chou na.
[END]
